Never finishing stuff comes full circle

Today is Saturday, August 4, 2018, and I’m feeling a little fretful. You see when I was in my early 20’s, on August 4, 1996, I could do anything! Everything I touched turned to gold. I successfully graduated from nursing school and passed my boards, I had a beautiful little girl on the way and a job I loved. My marriage wasn’t by any means good, but I loved him beyond all understanding. I was enrolled in RN school and working full time! The entire world was at my fingers tips! So why did it all just get yanked from under me? You see during my early twenties, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I still worked and even went through a second pregnancy with my handsome son before fibromyalgia took everything from me. Let me make this clear. Fibromyalgia didn’t really take anything. I was so mentally exhausted from emotional abuse of my childhood and marriage that I physically and completely gave up. I gave in to the pain and to the doctors and their prescriptions. I lost my license, my marriage, my home, my sense of security, my self-esteem and most importantly myself. From that point on even when I called myself getting “back on my feet”, I would start projects and whether someone would talk me out of it or I would put it down myself, I stopped finishing stuff. I started several books but didn’t finish one. I started several businesses but didn’t stick with one. I went to business school and graduated Cuma Laude. I never picked up another business. I was in on the ground floor of Herbalife when they first started but let someone talk me out of sticking with them. I worked for Melaleuca, Avon, Mary Kay, etc. But never stuck with them. I began to acquire a social phobia and couldn’t be around more than a few strangers at a time. I stopped going outside. Even the simplest thing of going to get my mail, I stopped doing.

Now, was this all my fault? Were these medical conditions? Was I mentally ill? I didn’t know. So I did what I thought was best to get on track and went to therapy. I had to stay in therapy or go back to therapy for a few years to get through all the things I had lost and to find a way to love this different version of myself. Y’all it’s alright to change and it’s okay to do this, to get to know the new you. That was back in the early to mid-2000s. Now so many years later, I still have a small fear of going places but go when I need to. The thing about it is I’m scared to go but once I leave the driveway I don’t even think about being afraid. I don’t have panic attacks anymore either unless there are cats around, but that’s another blog story. Today, I’m stronger and most of my, “not leaving the house”, is more about not feeling like it than being scared. I know that in itself is a problem, but I’m talking to my pain specialist about it and it’s getting better. So now those things that I stopped finishing back then are coming full circle. I have this need to feel like I’m contributing to my family, to this life I’ve been blessed with, so I have begun writing again. I’ve entered a poetry contest and I’m compiling a poetry book which I have mostly together but just need to complete the intros to my new poetry pieces. Being that I’ve been writing since a child, there’s a lot left unsaid within me. I’m glad I can channel it at will. Life often comes full circle. I think that’s why we’re not supposed to worry about anything but pray about everything.

Did the fibromyalgia come full circle?? Well, I will tell you like this. When I was first diagnosed I would go into weeks of remission before becoming sick again. After a few years, that stopped and I was just sick all the time. But today, instead of being sick every day, I go back into weeks of remission again. So yes, I think it’s come full circle but I hope they find a cure someday. It’s tougher as I get older to survive the sick days but I’m grateful for the days I’m not completely ill and unable to function. I’ve been going none stop for weeks and now I’m back sick. It’s ok because I know I’ll take complete advantage of my remission days regardless of how many or how few. I take this sick time to rest and write and of course, tell people what to do…Lol! I hope this has shed some light on someone else’s life who may be suffering in silence. You can make it! You can continue to push through. Don’t worry about not finishing stuff. It will come back around to you when you need it most. And if you ever get bored, write about your life, day to day and when you get enough pages to get them published. Everyone’s struggle is different, just like there are different forms of fibromyalgia. People will be interested to hear about how you get through and overcome your struggle. My next book will be about that same topic. The noble thing is that I always wanted to be a writer.

Look for my book My Poetic Life coming October 2019!!

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