At 45 years old, in this day and time, dating is either easy or difficult with no gray area. For me, each time I got out there, I’ve been blindsided by these basic types of men: the emotionally unavailable, the liar, the loon, the drunk, the cheater, the humiliater, and the horrid list goes on. People say you attract what you give off. But that can’t be true because I’m literally the exact opposite of those basic types of men.
Maybe in the insecurity of my past, those type of men were acceptable to me. Back then, I simply wanted to be loved. Honestly, it was more important to just be with someone; to be coupled up. How many people can admit that?? During these last 17 years after my divorce, I have been in one long-term relationship. It lasted 4 years. If you consider a year as long-term then I have been in two.
You know how at first, it seems like the man is everything you ever wanted. But then as time or years progress, you find yourself not liking little things about him until they add up to the big things. Well, that would happen in every relationship I’ve had over the last decade and a half. Like most youngsters, I had a plan for my life. But as the saying goes, if you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. After such a painful marriage and divorce, one of my issues was trust.
Now days dating is often tied to social media. You’d think I would be able to find someone compatible. Not so. After being cat-fished in the early 2000s, I don’t answer when men pop in my inboxes. But even so, I don’t respond well to strangers period. I once found someone through Black Planet.com when it was first popular but found out 10 months into the relationship that he was still married.
Those that came after him weren’t any better. One was a nut case who overstayed his welcome in my home and when I asked him to leave, he decided to hide in my living room closet. Y’all I cannot make this stuff up! Needless to say, I NEVER spoke to him again. Another had a drinking problem and showed it as he heckled my family members at a poetry reading we attended together. Yes, we broke up immediately after that.
Another guy was straight out of prison and kept offering to braid my hair because he used to do that for his “homeboys”. Ummm no, sir. I seriously could not catch a break. Another guy who I clicked with instantly, wasted my time after the first date because he wasn’t ready for commitment.
Then there was another guy with whom things started out great. But as time went on, he showed he was horribly male chauvinistic and vain. He thought I should just listen and never speak. He was one of those who thought a woman’s place was literally behind their man, like, way behind. When you raise a daughter alone, you have to be strong by yourself so she knows that she can be when she grows up. Needless to say, my daughter is my ‘Sistah soldier’, so no, I don’t do the submissive role well. Most men have that concept misconstrued anyway.
I’m a relationship girl. So I’ve never done one night stands. I’ve only dated these few men (in 17 years) because I only gave time to those with whom I may have had a future. As I talk about these different relationships, I do see a pattern. They all didn’t fall into one category or type. Each one was a mix of these basic types of men. Why was I falling for the men with these combined characteristics? Well back then, I didn’t know my worth. My failed marriage had done a number on me and I thought I didn’t deserve anything better. I am so happy none of them ever worked out. Could you imagine? I can laugh now, but boy did I go through some things.
The good thing about being my age is that now I know my worth! I know what I want, deserve and need from a life partner. You better believe the characteristics mentioned above are not even on the list! I have no time for foolery. Honestly, if you’re playing games, you deserve to have them played on you. I don’t have time for games.
I’m looking for a full grown man whose life is complete already. I don’t want a man who needs me to complete him. Who needs that kind of pressure? I don’t want any man to think he’s here to complete me or my life. I want someone who’s whole within himself; someone I can share my wholeness with and vice-versa. Never go into a relationship less than 100 percent of who you are. If you’re broken or not able to commit because some part of you is invested in someone or something else then you need to figure that out first.
I had to think, is it just my choice in men, where I live, the availability of men in my age group, or is there just something wrong with me? I’m still researching that. Am I aiming too high, too low? Or do I just need to pray and leave it alone? But prayer without works is dead. So for now, I’m doing some reading and sharpening or changing my perspectives toward my wants and needs and toward men and dating. I’m investing my time in self-fulfillment, getting my goals achieved so to be the best woman, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, nurse, writer, blogger, and etc.
We wear so many different hats as women that we don’t always see our own shortcomings. There’s so much we could correct about ourselves before we need to bring somebody else into our life. Not everything needs to be changed but just make sure you’re not asking 100 percent while only giving 70 percent. I know after I finish a few books, talk to my mom and a few other elders on this subject, I will be better equip and may have some answers. I’m going to revisit this topic every few weeks to let you all know if I find someone or better yet if they find me. In the meantime, this single black female in search of a whole man remains prayerful and patient.😘