FBTWOS: Out of Love With Me (Part 2: The End of an Era)

The End of an Era

Way before my divorce, you’d think I would have fallen out of love with him, but actually, I fell out of love with myself completely instead. Why? Well, I was angry at myself for allowing him to hurt me for so long. Turmoil, hurt, betrayal, and pain ruled my entire young-adult life leaving me so very empty. I hated the fact that I didn’t get out of my marriage after my son was born. My children, I will NEVER regret! During this rollercoaster ride season, I placed most the blame on myself, thinking something had to be wrong with me; What am I doing wrong? What am I doing that makes me not enough? I must be done something for him to not love me? I lowkey still wonder to this day if he ever did.

I kept thinking how hard I worked to do and be everything he said he wasn’t getting from me. I gave him my all, everything in me. By the physical end of our marriage, I was exhausted and became just an empty shell of a woman. I say physical end because I realized that during his final affair, he not only gave his time and himself but for the first time, he gave his heart to another woman. I began detaching myself in my mind so it wouldn’t hurt so much. Consequently, I left mentally long before physically walking away.

I felt drained. I felt as if I wasted my entire adult life on a man who cared nothing about me. Yet, I still loved him. I didn’t divorce him because I wasn’t in love with him anymore, Lawd knows I was! I wasn’t giving up on him either as he thought. I was tired. I was physically in so much pain. My mind hurt. My soul ached. My spirit was broken. But because I always looked beyond the who he chose to be in our moments to who I knew he could be in his, I only walked away because I really did not want to die.

The emotional turmoil, physical pain, stress, and mental intrusion of his betrayal caused me to attempt suicide twice. The first time was with pills. I was so disappointed to wake up still in this world over 12 hours later. The second time, I sent my toddler babies outside to play and locked the door. I put towels under every door and turned the gas on. I sat in the kitchen waiting to die. As the gas dizzied my head, I felt relieved. Then my daughter knocked on the door calling for me. Thank God for her. I broke down in tears, snapped back and cut the gas off.

My children saved me that day and many times after that when I felt too tired to carry on. But, I left my marriage because the last time it would come down to saving him or saving me, for over a decade I chose to save him. But that day, for the first time in my adult life, as I saw myself slipping away, I had to choose to save myself. I knew if I had stayed any longer, I wouldn’t have kept it together. When I left, I was depressed, manic, suicidal, unhappy, empty, and sad. But, I was free.

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