I’ll start this by dissecting the title as I hate to be put in a box or in a category broad enough to describe “single women”. I pride myself on being a very unique individual. I’ve always held my own even when my entire world seemed to crash down around me. I am not like any other woman. No woman truly is. We all search for different things in life. Growing up I hoped to get married one day and have a family of my own. When it happened, I thought I found forever. I never thought I would be married, divorced and a single mother all before I turned thirty. It’s hard to find the rainbow until after the rain, but thank God for that rainbow!
Contrary to popular belief, all single mothers don’t want somebody for their kids to call daddy. My kid’s dad wasn’t very active in their lives growing up, but they never called anyone else Daddy. We want pretty much the same as most men, somebody to love us just as we are, faults and all. We all want to share our heart, life, and space with someone. We want someone to turn to when we find ourselves all alone. At least that’s what I’m looking for. Expectations beyond that point will end relationships before they begin. (Notice nothing materialistic was mentioned).
I don’t think we all find our person the first time we fall in love these days. It may take a time or two or ten. It saddens me to know that the world, culture, people, and even the sanctity of marriage is not the same as it was when my parents and grandparents were married. My parents were married and divorced, back together, separated again, then remarried all before he fell ill in 1993. After finding out his coma was permanent, my mom stayed true to him for 16 1/2 years. This year marked ten years my Dad’s been gone and till this day my mom has never dated another man. They were married 45 years before my Dad passed.
So, see it is simple! We just want loyalty and love that withstands the test of time. We don’t go into a relationship thinking our man is perfect or we’re perfect and no one is naive enough to believe they won’t have bad times. When you recognize you have a good thing, sticking it out and healing together through rough times only makes a relationship stronger.
Since we are in the age where marriage is not valued very much, we may have to slightly adjust our needs. But I think they’re the same for single men and women. Basically, at any age, we simply need partners willing to stay or let us go. Stay or leave when the novelty first wears off. That’s when you know if you love somebody.
If you’re going to leave, just leave. Make a respectable clean break and don’t play with the person’s heart afterward. Leave them alone because you’re wasting their time. If you’re going to stay; love hard, remain loyal and honest. Stay when you become parents for the first time or the sixth; when you’ve heard the same complaint about the hundredth time; stay when you long for momma (WELL), or when life kicks both y’all butts. If you are in love you need to stay through the I hate you, the crazy moments, through it all! As your life and love evolve and changes remain the person who will give them the love they deserve even if that means setting them free to find it.
Love for single mothers is different. But as a single woman on the other side of motherhood, I want someone for me who I can count on to love me the way I deserve. Now see that last one, “love me the way I deserve”, can be confusing to some. I didn’t say love me the way I deserve based on what I’ve been through in the past. Some partners try to take on that responsibility without being asked. Nobody wants that for real because we know their opinion of us will already be devalued from the start. They’ll feel like they have to fix you. Then we find ourselves in a new relationship with someone treating us, giving us, and loving us less than we deserve.
Most men generally aren’t as sensitive and are less willing to be vulnerable or show emotion when it comes to communication. The definition of relationships is forever evolving. Men may always feel the need to be the strong one, but single mothers, like myself, are used to playing that role. Men have to give us time to adjust to being taken care of instead of taking care of everyone else. Sometimes we just need to know that beyond your tough exterior, you have just as tender a heart for love as we do.
Unfortunately, we all don’t heal before going into a new relationship. Men and women begin anew all the time after being hurt, broken, divorced, run over, or even getting sick. It would be a perfect world if we all remembered that healing mentally is just as important as healing emotionally.
Regardless of what you think you know about someone past, never assume you can’t commit to someone who used to be broken, even if they have been to hell and back. You are dating who they are now, not who they used to be. The state of your heart by the time you decide to love again, should not dictate how you are treated. You don’t know what stage of their healing you’ve walked in on.
Give your all because nine times out of ten, if you allow yourself to be part of what brings peace, light, and love to someone, you’ll get peace, light, love, gratitude, and so much more in return. That’s all we single women want.
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