Crashing

Fibromyalgia and chronic pain diseases like it causes a host of other illnesses. One of which is CFS or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. The name explains the condition as you never feel rested. Regardless of how much sleep you get, if any, you are still extremely fatigued.

It’s an understatement to say that the diagnosis of fibromyalgia slowly picked my world apart until it was completely destroyed. It spiraled out of control in a whirlwind of insecurity, pain, depression, fatigue, and judgment. When I was first diagnosed 23 years ago, I would experience months without pain. But as I got older, it became a continuous revolving cycle of physical pain and emotional demise. Suddenly I woke up one morning feeling as if I’d been hit by a transfer truck and have felt like that every day since. Sounds like I’m exaggerating? Not likely. But I managed to cope and have a great support system.

I made one of the biggest mistakes which a lot of sufferers make, I gave in to the fatigue and pain and made it the focal point of my life. Step by step, I lost everything, my livelihood, my marriage, my dignity, and my peace. It’s so easy to get swept up in the overwhelming grief you feel from the death of the life you once lived. I was diagnosed when there were no specialists in my area and nine out of ten doctors did not believe the disease existed. I can’t count how many times I was told that my pain was all in my head.

Now, twenty-three years later, I realized that those under-educated doctors were half right. It’s been proven that the physical pain and fatigue exist but I accept that affected my mental health how I processed and dealt pain. When I’m stressed, the symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome at it’s very worse, tires me to breathe.

At the time I began this blog, a few weeks ago, the pain and chronic fatigue together cause my body to fail me. I call the way I feel crashing. Simply because that’s what I feel is happening. My body, my emotions, my mind, my being has crashed and I have no energy to exert to stop it. I’m exhausted beyond all understanding. It’s difficult to put it into words. If you are a chronic “disease” patient or have any type of illness, you quickly learn that the hardest part of this is not the pain or fatigue, but losing friends and family who don’t understand your condition along the way. You quickly learn to accept that people in your life will either support you or turn their backs on you. There’s no in between.

I’ve lost my share of relationships with family and friends. Some didn’t know what to say, others simply avoided me, some thought I complained too much, and then there were those gems who thought I was pretending to be sick. It all takes a toll on your mental health because of its a sudden loss of your whole world as you knew it.

To help explain, I’m going to attempt to sum up how I felt the morning of Sunday, April 7, 2019, when I started this blog post. Imagine running hard, as a kid, full speed, until you’re so tired your chest-thumps so hard it hurts, you’re out of breath and when you manage to inhale it feels like you’re breathing through a straw. Remember that? Well, imagine how tired you’d feel if you didn’t rest, or ever recover your strength. You never get your breath back, and all your muscles are tight, aching and constricted. Now multiply that fatigue and pain times ten and visualize feeling that way every day for the next twenty years. And this example is a mild generalization.

It takes true faith and a lot of support to not give up. Suicide is high among chronic pain sufferers. But although I’ve given up at times, I believe my life has a higher purpose. Sometimes it takes half our lives to find out why we are here so never give up. A great author and activist, Marguerite Annie Johnson a.k.a. Dr. Maya Angelou didn’t start singing professionally until she was 34 years old and didn’t write her first autobiography until she was 49 years old. My point is that you are NEVER too old to pursue and achieve your dreams!

Sickness plagues us all in one form or another and can often hinder us. But I’m a true believer in two things, one, everything happens for a reason, and two, we all have our own crosses to bear. One of mine just so happens to be Fibromyalgia. I only recently learned over the last past few years how to love myself completely. There is peace in that. When I’m crashing, I lean on my faith and my peace and I’m able to fight my way through. CFS is a constant battle physically and mentally because my mind gets tired as well. But I’m confident that in my ability to keep on keeping on through it all.

@vfurrmsthebloggee

#CFS #chronicfatiguesyndrome #fibromyalgia #keeponkeepingon #crashing

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