You Don’t Owe Them Anything

You don’t owe them anything! You know, them, right? Those who hurt you and you think they deserve a second, third, or fourth chance. Yes, them. The truth is most hurt that ends in the dissolution of friendships or family ties are usually due to deep betrayal from one side or the other. But some cut ties due to outgrowing one another or finally seeing the person means you no good.

In my case, last year, it was due to a combination of reasons. Sometimes when you have a good heart, whether others recognize it or not, time apart will fool you into thinking you should reach out. If there is one thing I have learned, over the past five years or so, extending an olive branch is not always your responsibility. In a perfect world, the wrongdoer would offer a genuine heartfelt apology and the relationship will be salvaged.

But in the real world, things are said, feelings are hurt, and accusations are thrown left and right and none of it can be unheard or taken back. Even when the rift is caused by a mistake made on your part, although you would like them too, the other party does not have to accept your apology, forgive you, or want you in their life. As hurtful as that may be, our truest friend, time, makes sure that is not the end of the world.

I want to tell the full story about what happened to me but I will just say sometimes you think people know the real you. It’s normal to believe someone knows your heart after you’ve been there for the toughest time in one another’s lives, talked often, and they’ve even lived with you for some time. It’s saddening to realize after years of “friendship” that their opinion of you is not the same as yours for them. At the same time, keep in mind that this may be who they were all along, you just didn’t see it.

Never let someone’s words stamp permanently on your heart. Sometimes I used to think about hurtful things people have said to me and hearing those words in my head would bring back those painful feelings again. Now, I don’t allow myself to dwell on it. Also, I know pity parties lead to depression. Who wants to be depressed about something someone else thinks? Not me. My suggestion is to have your moment and then move on.

Also, after a year or two has passed, just because your heart has kept them in your thoughts and prayers, this doesn’t mean it’s time for them to be your life again. You don’t owe them anything. A phone, social media accounts, or correspondence of any kind works both ways. Don’t feel because you were blessed in your life and have a kind heart that you are responsible for mending fences or rebuilding burned bridges that you didn’t break.

My mom always taught us, after you do something to someone, apologize. It’s up to them to accept your apology. If they don’t and you’ve tried all you can to explain and rectify the situation, let it go, even if it means letting them go. She always tells us to put it in Gods hands and if you are meant to be friends or have a relationship, God will fix it.

So, that’s my advice in this blog post. Listen to my Momma’s advice and the wisdom-filled elders in your life. Lean on what you feel is right in your heart. Always know that if you have done your best, you don’t owe anyone any more chances to be in YOUR life. You are an amazing person and the loss is theirs, not yours. Plus, the scripture says that God will replace all that you’ve lost. I have the very best people in my life today. It may take some time and some tears but you can get through losing relationships or friendships especially with those whom you owe absolutely nothing.

Stay blessed❤❤

vfurrmstheblogger

#valeriemariecollins #mypoeticlifebook #wordpress.com #youdontowethemnothing

Do You Ever Regret Losing It!

We all are human. We all make mistakes. No one is perfect. With that being, I know our reactions to situations, good or bad, is our responsibility. I hate shows on TV with grown women flying across the table in full attack mode, such as Basketball Wives. I’ve often thought, what is the purpose? A physical altercation can be avoided if we as adults remember one thing, we are not in the 8th grade anymore.

I have been pushed to my utmost limit before and completely kept my hands to myself. Sometimes people lose it though. If you’re like me, you will let a bad situation, things said, or done build up inside until there’s no room left and then what happens? We explode on the person. That’s wrong. We need to deal with each act as it occurs instead of letting hurt pile up.

Because I am, ‘the pile up”, type of person, I end up regretting it every time I lose it. Saying or doing things I don’t mean or mean to do is the worse part. You not only hurt that person or yourself but you hurt others around you. I wish I could take it back every time, but that’s not possible. My mom taught us to apologize for wrong we do and the other person will either accept or not. But it’s imperative to do your part. Make it right in your heart.

It may take some time to get to the point in your mind to actually say, “I’m sorry”, but once you do, you lift a ton of guilt and hurtful weight off of yourself. And maybe just maybe you will soften the heart of the other just a little, even if they never reciprocate or say another word to you. So, excuse me while I get my mind right, so I can go apologize to everyone involved and try to make things right.

Have a blessed day,

vfurrmstheblogger

#valeriefurrcollins #valeriefurr #valeriemariecollins #valeriecollins #mypoeticlifebook #mypoeticlifethebook #bizcatalyst360

Falling off the Wagon

I have fallen off the wagon y’all. I feel uncomfortable in the skin I’m in for the first time since my weight loss journey began in 2017. I had been fortunate to keep the weight off until recently when food, especially the pizza and parmesan bites from Domino’s Pizza, began to stick to my butt, hips, and stomach. I know from previous experience that telling myself, “Oh, don’t worry about those 3 or 4 pounds”, only leads to gaining more pounds. When I started gaining a few pounds before, I’d simply pushed back from the table, so to speak. But this gain came on so fast and it is not moving.

I’m hard on myself and I’m so disappointed that I’ve gained so much weight back. At least ten or fifteen pounds. That’s what I see, anyway. A tell-tell sign of rapid weight gain is the way my clothes fit. I didn’t even want to try to squeeze into my size 7 jeans last night for rehearsal. I noticed I’ve started wearing the clothes I bought for my trip to Hawaii in 2017. I was at about 150 then. When I think of my lowest at 138 pounds, being 150 or more really saddens me.

Every woman knows her body. We know what every inch of our body looks and feels like at our ideal weight. With me, heredity lets me know I’m gaining weight by the appearance of the double chin that runs deep with the women in my family. That happens way before an ounce can be seen on my body. Unfortunately, it’s so hard for me to get rid of that darn chin or any fat due to my extra slow metabolism.

But! I do know what to do to lose it. It’s all about discipline. It’s difficult to diet when you are on the same small budget but your family has grown overnight from eight to thirteen. But, for me, portion control and preparing your food correctly important. A good thing for me to remember is to is make sure I’m cutting back on fat and carbohydrates.

Read food labels. Know what you are putting in your body. My first step was replacing all soft drinks with water, sugar-free juice, camomile tea, sugar-free jello, and yogurt. So I don’t get tired of water, I drink or consume anything sugar and fat-free that will turn to liquid at room temperature. Hence, jello, pop cycles, ice pops, and Italian ice. A lot of people don’t think about this but I’m not a water drinker. So I substitute often.

Sometimes I see all this info on Facebook about cleanses. The 7-day cleanse or 14-day cleanse. They show before and after photos. I’m not sure how valid their claims are but I do understand that ridding your body of toxins, rebooting your body and allowing a healthy start to weight loss are important. But who has the money for those cleanses? I don’t! Plus, they want you to sell their products, be on video calls and bug your family and friends. I’m the worse people person on the planet, so I don’t sell anything.

So what do I do? I heard from one of my uncles that drinking a glass of warm water each morning helps cleanse your body of toxins. I must admit I haven’t been brave enough to try that one. I do drink a cup of coffee in the morning. That’s not the same though, is it? I’m trying to get in the habit of drinking a bottle of water at room temperature after my coffee. I have noticed it does help with irregularity or getting my digestive system moving when it won’t do so naturally.

The worse part of this is finding myself right back uncomfortable around other people. I hate the self-conscious feeling of thinking my flaws are on display in neon lights for everybody to see. My castmates are my extended family but I constantly kept trying to hide my stomach or hold my breath and squeeze it in. I need my make up to be perfect to compensate for feeling overweight again.

It’s awful to feel like this when I know I will get back on track. No one can do it but me. I don’t ever want to end up in the hospital again, two steps from being in ICU. I know what’s at stake. I think this blog is my way of telling myself what it is I need to do before it’s too late. It’s an affirmation to my mind and my heart because I not only do I want my health, my self-esteem, and peace of mind back; but the self-confidence that comes with hard work and accomplishing this for myself…is everything!

“Whenever I look down, my confidence shatters”

~Valerie Collins

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Pivoting Around Your Frustrations

I let myself get so stressed these last few days that I have felt it in my body. That’s the worse part of having Fibromyalgia. Stress causes more pain. Plus, because I have stress-induced seizures, this is not a good thing at all. I have to find a way to channel my unrest and pivot around my frustrations. I’m extremely exhausted at the moment but to be honest, I’ve been worse. So I know I’m not at my stress limit. I think at least I may be able to stop the downtrodden feeling of emotions that will erupt once I am at my maximum.

Like all of us, being in the middle of extremely uncomfortable, unhealthy situations understandably causes stress. But what you do when there’s really nothing in sight that can change what’s stressing you, is the key. What direction will you follow when these quiet storms turn into raging storms where the sky has fallen, the trees are swaying, the rain is heavy and the clouds are low? That may be an over- exaggeration, but you get my point.

I’m an introverted, unsocial, disconnected, ghetto bougie (yes it’s a thing), not quite middle-aged mother and grandma. I grew up isolated, unable to socialize with my peers. That impacted my life to the point where I don’t trust easily. If I let a person in, they have become special to me. I have a very small circle consisting of my family, boyfriend, and a few friends for which I would lay down my life. I only talk to a handful of them about what I go through. I’m completely transparent with maybe three of those people.

My frustrations overwhelm me because when I know my “persons” are going through their own storms, I will not put my problems on them. Nor will I chose to open up to anyone else. I’m whatever personality type that lets things build up until I explode and everything comes out in tears and expletives. Because I’m in pain all day every day, you’d think I would be on edge and go off on people all the time. But I know my faith has a lot to do with my ability to be kind and considerate of others despite my own situation.

So what can I do to change how I respond to stress without sacrificing my sanity? I have to reach back and grab those coping mechanisms I learned over 15 years ago in therapy. Deep breathing, taking my mind to a happy place like the beach with my kids and utilizing the most effective one I have found, walking away and taking a few moments to myself. Walking outside, into another room, or locking myself in the bathroom is a necessary means to replenishing the calm in my mind and body.

These coping mechanisms may not work for everyone, but they have brought some peace back into my life many times. I was so ashamed of needing therapy back then, but now I’ve never been more grateful for it. The doctors who sat down with me and taught me these tools which I still use today saved my life.

Today’s lesson for my readers is don’t ever be ashamed of needing help. Never think there’s something wrong with you just because you need therapy, counseling, or medication. You will learn things that you can use throughout your lifetime. I forget that I know how to cope sometimes. It’s easy to get so caught up in the winds and rain, that you forget where your shelter lies. It’s ok.

Take a step back, reevaluate, pray, and find someone to confide in even if it’s a stranger on the other end from a Therapy hotline. The key is to pivot through your pain instead of around it. Pivoting around issues leave them right where they are in your life. Working through them finds solutions. Never feel like your problems mark the end for you. They are temporary. Be positive, be brave, be encouraged.

Lovingly,

@vfurrmstheblogger

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