New Year, New Me? Why?

You have to live through who you weren’t to find who you are… –Jada Pinkett Smith

New year, new me? That has to be the most used cliche during the beginning of each new year. I’m guilty of saying it myself. But this year, on 2020’s second day, starting a new decade, I have no desire to be new. I’m 46 years old and completely transparent. I recall living through more heartbreak and pain than most people I know because I chose to stay there in it and hide it.

Sometimes we let our dysfunction, suffering, disability, or problems overshadow who we are instead of seeing them as obstacles to conquer. I used to live in a dysfunctional world that ultimately became my identity. How do you climb from under the weight of it all to become who you were meant to be?

Loss, divorce, anxiety, social phobia, depression, suicide attempts, the death of dreams, the demise of my livelihood, years of stagnation, guilt, blame, shame; you name it, I’ve felt it. But it was as if I had blinders on and could only see the darkness behind my closed eyes.  BUT! I believe that everything we go through in life is for a reason.

I didn’t realize until the last three or four years of my life that I was not my pain. I was giving life to and breathing life into my pain, hurt, and brokenness. How in all that’s good could I find peace, hope, love, and God with my eyes wide shut, thinking I’m living, but actually merely existing.

The turning point for me was my 40th birthday. It was nothing but God who allowed me to see myself for the first time. I realized I was still emotionally stuck at 28 years old when I got divorced. The year I felt the most free from the betrayal, hopelessness, loss of my identity. I had moved on. I had gotten over it. I became better. I even allowed myself to grow. BUT, I shut off my ability to love.

Twelve years later, I had an epiphany that’s best described in this quote, “You have to live through who you weren’t to find who you are”… Jada Pinkett Smith.

When I opened my eyes, there was no darkness. I realized I had been picking up those old pieces of my life over and over again for years, thinking, if I could just rebuild my heart, I could rebuild my old life. But God showed me that I could merely start over from scratch. Not make a new me but, use all the parts I already had to mold into an unbroken, happy, smart, funny, kind, creative, etc., me.

I’ve changed and evolved after I rose above all that hurt and pain. I look forward to another amazing year digging deep, creating and revamping my world. Sometimes growth takes being the one looking from the outside in. I’m stronger for it, freer, happier, and more importantly reaching and achieving my goals through the grace of God.


#newyearnewmewhy #JadaPinkettSmith #nonewyouthisyear #changeandevolve #myturningpointat40 #makegreatchanges