Tattered with uneven scars, unhealed wounds, untold stories, impartial agony, and un-reciprocated love.
Unable to speak the hurtful words that defined me for so long; unable to unravel the tangled web that has become my life’s work.
I am broken.
Breathing in the toxicity purged into my soul, bound underneath the weight of my damaged spirit, it seeps through my cracks, through out my being, and into my world.
I am broken.
Pleading with myself to find solace as I drown in the despair that covers me. And unlike any experience in my life, grief has adhered to me like permanent paint waiting to dry.
Beyond repair, beyond reprieve; destined to sink in the quicksand named sorrow. To wallow in the sea of depression, drowning under its current
I am broken.
Denying myself complete healing, awaiting an apology that will never come, seeking something, searching constantly. So I ask, Lord, where do I go from here?
Because Lord, I am broken
Still, I pray each night to wake up to a new day where I am whole again; without the pain that plagues me. Understanding there are eyes on me; God’s hands are on me, my circles belief is in me. Never will I give up just because one day…
In today’s world, every occasion is celebrated. On August 8, 2020, among other observances, is Happiness Happens Day. I chose to celebrate what made me the happiest I’ve ever been, my children.
I remember the excitement of becoming a first time mom and a second time mom. Those two days were the happiest of my life. So, it’s only fitting to talk about my children today. Growing up, I wanted a huge family like the one I grew up in. As a child, I knew one thing to be true, I wanted to be a mom, just like mine. God blessed me with two amazing children. Throughout our difficult marriage, one girl and one boy were my greatest gifts.
I loved every minute of raising my kids except for the any time we had to be apart. Therefore, when they grew up, it took me some time to get use to being the mother of adult children. I went through all the emotions you go through during grief because you do lose your babies but you gain children who become so much more like your friend and confidant. Once you realize the gain is greater than the loss, you’ll be OK. I’m still getting to that point, but watching them fly and make their own way in this world is gratifying within itself.
I can’t imagine my life without them. Just when you think you can’t love someone more, each day you do. I can only hope my babies can feel my love and my presence in their lives even though I’m coaching from the sidelines or just looking on as they grow and become self sufficient. I’m so proud of both of them.
I used to think they had to grow up to meet my expectations and be what I wanted them to be in life. We all desire the best for our children and carry a carbon copy of what that means in our minds. But the best they can become is what they make of themselves. As parents, we have to trust that we raised them right and given them the tools they need to succeed on their own. See, I’m learning that letting them only changes your role from holding their hand and guiding their feet, to stepping back and watching them shine.
My daughter and son in law blessed me with my granddaughter. I’m here to tell you that when your first grandchild comes into your life, any type of love you ever felt, does not compare. It’s different than the love of your child, but yet you love them both the same. I hope that makes sense. These people are the most important in my world along with my sweet Momma, but I’d rather they be safe.
So, to my two shining stars Brittney and Trey, I love you with all that I am. I trust you to make your lives great! My journey for you is not your journey for yourself. I get that now. Do not be afraid to use your wings; they work. Just know if you fall along the way, get hurt, need to rest, or just want momma, I’m here. Always and forever. You both are my happiness. Be great this Happiness Happens Day and every day my loves. There’s nothing you can not do!