My most influential teacher was my high school Geometry teacher, Mrs. Lori Bigham. Although I was always a straight A student, she was the only teacher who actually SAW me. She believed in me! She took me to a luncheon one time where I won a math award. It was one of the proudest moments of my life. I still talk to her this day. She stopped in at my job a few weeks ago just to say Hi. I’ll never forget her! She is the reason I push myself to achieve what seems like the impossible! Thank you Mrs. Bigham for believing in me!
What a milestone this birthday is for me!! I’m turning the big 5.0. I’ve never been one to dread my birthday, in fact, I love each and every one I am blessed to be here to celebrate. There are those who will not wake up to see tomorrow. I am not promised that blessing BUT I lean on my faith and my prayers in hope to see 50. When you’re young, you don’t see life with a sense of time. There’s no urgency to get things in order or make your mark on the world. But when you get older, at least for me, every second counts. I don’t hold grudges. Grudges only hurt you not the other person. I try to be slow to anger because it takes so much less energy to just smile and let things be. These past few years taught me that sometimes it’s best just to be quiet. Not everything deserves your response. I’ve always had to have the last word but now I just would rather change the subject. Time can either help you grow or make you stagnant. I’ve been both. But this year I made a life changing decision to go back to work. I’m risking losing it all including my health. But I literally woke up one day, looked around and thought this can’t be all there is to my life. Sitting watching tv, complaining about my physical pain but doing nothing to help it. Yes, I’m a writer and a damn good one but what does that change. Am I growing from it. Yes and no. The no part is what got me out the door and working. I love it. I love the interaction with customers. It had been almost ten years since my last attempt to work which didn’t go so well. But this time I am sticking it out, enjoying my life and I’m happy.
I’m turning 50 in about 55 minutes. I’m excited and a little sad because my God daughter isn’t with me for the first time in 5 years. But because I’m blessed beyond measure I chose to still be happy. I have my life, health, my children and granddaughters, my family, my significant other, my friends, and everything in life that I need. So I smile understanding that life isn’t about trying to turn back the clock or speed it up, it’s about finding your happiness in your piece of the world. Holding on to your faith and believing that God has a plan for your life whether your 5, 50, or 105. So I’ll be the first to say Happy 50th Birthday to me!! It’s going to be a great year!! The year of ME!
This October I will be 50 years old. I’m so excited to be able to look back at my life and see all that I have been through and survived in addition to all the greatness. I am so excited for my future. It has taken me a long time to get to where I am mentally, emotionally, and physically. Some recent revelations have made me the strongest I have been since I was in my 20s.
You know when I was young, everything I touched relating to self advancement in my life turned to gold. Even after being diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, I continued to work.. I also went through a miscarriage, but was very excited to have a very successful pregnancy afterward which my son, my rainbow baby, was born. I was 24 years old. Unfortunately, I allowed my life to plummet after that. Whew, did it take all I am to climb up out of that? YES it did. I continued to go through things because I couldn’t see my worth.
Now 25 years later, in and out of relationships, hardships, even through the early, unexpected deaths of love ones, I still rise. I have been a caregiver since I was a child. A nurturer, someone family and friends knew they could rely on. That’s a slippery slope to be on because it’s easy to get used and walked on. But these days I have a vision for the rest of my life.
My vision does not include the bs I’ve put up with in the past. It doesn’t mean I am going to be mean or anything other than who I am. It just means I am looking out for myself now. I am putting myself first. I have heard over the years if I don’t take care of myself, how can I care for anyone else. That advice used to come in one ear and straight out the otther. But know that means, stand up for yourself, say no if you want to, keep your head up, and do not be intimidated by anyone.
So what’s on my life’s vision board for the rest of the year?
1. Valerie comes first
2. Make decisions with what you want in mind.
3. Treat yourself at least once a month
4. Take care of mom but take care of you too
5. Accept invitations to go out
6. Accept help when offered
7. Do not do it all by yourself anymore!
THATS IT! LIVE LIFE PERIOD!
Thanks for reading what’s on my mind especially the lurkers…you know who you are..
Speaking only for myself, I want to express what it has been for me to be black in America.
As far back as I can remember, whether on TV or in real life, racism existed. I’m not sure what to think when people say black people can’t be racists, because unfortunately I grew up with a dad who talked against other races. He didn’t care most for white people and lectured us many times about slavery and oppression brought on by, “the white man”. My dad was born and raised on the dirt roads and woods of Holt, Alabama, the deep south. He was one of 13 children. His mother died when he was only thirteen years old and he was put out to fend for himself soon after. I, however did not take on his beliefs but decided to love or like people according to who they are and how they treat me.
Fortunately, my other five siblings and my mom, are not racist either. Both my brothers dated outside of our race, with my late oldest brother and his wife giving life to beautiful biracial children. But let me go back. While in high school, my best friends included two of the funniest, kindest white kids I ever met, Micah House and (the late), Sherry Geer Delacruz. Although Sherry is gone, I still love both of them with all my heart thirty plus years later. As an young adult, I became a nurse and there was no room for bias. I treated all my patients and their families with dignity and respect.
When I had children of my own, I tried to teach them not to see color when they were young. But I knew, the older they got, I needed to teach them to love their Blackness. It was important for them to love themselves in a world where they would be treated different. When social media first put a spotlight on police shootings of an unarmed black man, my kids were at the end of high school. So consumed with school, prom, graduation, and family hardships, sadly, we heard it but didn’t focus on it. When the murder of Trayvon Martin was caught on video and his murderer was set free, my kids were angry and in tears. We had to sit down and talk about what that meant for them as teens going into young adulthood.
Before they were old enough to drive we taught them what to do if they were ever pulled over by the police. Unfortunately, a few years later, my nephew, son, and niece were pulled over no more than a block from my sister’s house. My nephew and niece were visiting from Colorado and he was unfamiliar with the narrow stretch of road he was on. They were so scared, my niece was in tears but thank God, they knew to keep their hands where they could see them, said yes sir and no sir, follow instructions, and make no sudden moves. When we arrived on the scene, the cops were running the kids social security numbers over and over again. After being asked who we were, we were told to remain in our vehicle. A minute later we were surrounded by three loads of police cars. They were searching for something to charge one of the kids with but they were clean. Long story short, they ticketed them and after detaining us all at the scene for over an hour, and being very rude, aggressive, and unprofessional, they let them go.
Needless to say, we had to have a deeper conversation. They were terrified, angry, and confused as to why they were so mistreated by those who were supposed to protect and serve. Their first time being stopped by the police and they were racially profiled, treated like criminals, and disrespected. Til this day, my son does not like driving anywhere. I recall having a conversation with him about the murder of George Floyd and he said, “They’re just going to keep getting away with it.” So sad.
For that reason alone, being black in America is difficult at times for me. But you can either hide away or live unapologetically in your truth. I choose the latter! God is such a huge part of my life. I think I would live in total fear if it weren’t for my faith in the Lord. We know faith without works is void. I work everyday to be a better version of the person I was yesterday. Life as a black business woman is more accepted today than in 2008 when I started my journey with Val’s Gifts of Warmth. I’m not saying that systemic racism is gone or being black in America is easy but I will say that with our culture taking a front seat in today’s society, it has gotten easier to lift our heads and show the world our talents, achievements, and success. I plan to continue to succeed and make my mark on this world as a black women in America. Not for me but for my children, grand children, and future generations.
Nostalgia is a funny thing. Like dejavu, it hits out of the blue and can make you warm and tingly inside or breaks your heart all over again. About a month ago, I was driving, going to pick up my son from work. In my rear view mirror I saw a pale blue car that instantly threw me back to the mid 1990s. I found myself smiling at the memory of my first car, a pale blue, 4 door, 1990 Ford Tempo. My mom and I didn’t know much about car shopping but we went out and found my first disaster, I mean, my first car at Tucker Motors in Tuscaloosa, Al.
I was so excited to have my own vehicle. I washed it inside and out and gassed her up. Four road tests and a tearful breakdown in front of the state trooper later, I was licensed to drive. I remember feeling so grown up. I was barely 20, in college, had a reliable job, and now had my own car. I named her Betsy Blue.
The nastalgia I felt today as I kept that blue car in my sites was so refreshing. It reminded me of a time when I was young and free. I hadn’t had my heart broken, didn’t know the agony of moving away from home for the first time, the sting of chronic pain and fatigue, nor the heartbreak of losing a sibling or a parent. I rarely even got sick and it appeared figuratively, that everything I touched turned to gold.
I loved being able to pick up and go. I remember taking my mommy to see my dad in the nursing home. On my off days, she and I would leave the house around 9 am and go walking in the mall, do a little shopping, eat lunch and then go home. I just wanted something to take my Mommy wherever she needed to go and be able to get to work without having to walk home at midnight. I loved my Ford Tempo.
The moment took me back to my youth; when I was just discovering who I was and what life was all about. I wish I could have stopped the driver of that pale blue car and thanked them for the amazing memories that came streaming down, flooding my mind and heart with goodness and joy.
You may be wondering what made Betsy Blue my first disaster. Well old Betsy Blue ended up being a lemon. She broke down a month or so after I got her. The car lot refused to take her back and I refused to pay for a car I could not use. A little spat over an involuntary reposition came about when I had a tow company leave her on their lot but don’t worry, it all worked out. I never got another car from Tucker and was blessed with good driving cars since then. But I’ll always remember Betsy.
You are your parents, ancestors and God’s perfect creation You are many, many, many generations in the making. You will live a grand life full of all the childhood wonderment that lies in your eyes
Granddaughter
All of my greatest hopes and dreams beat to the beat of your heart You can light a thousand sunsets with the brightness in your eyes You alone hold my hearts content in your tiny hands
Granddaughter
I look at you and see all that is good in this ugly world I see the key to happiness embedded in your melanin Your sweet laughter drowns out all the unpleasant noise of life Your tiny warm embraces washes away anything unworthy in me
Granddaughter,
I have loved all my life but never knew a love like this You have brought me more joy and hope in your four years than I have known in my almost 50. You are my lifeline, you are my will power, you are my heart, you are my lineage.
Granddaughter,
One day you will read this and you will know just how big love can be You will know what each word means and how they come together to describe the beauty that is you You will know in that moment there is no greater love for me than you
Granddaughter
For now, know that my heart leaps at just knowing you love me today as big as your little heart can. For now, I relish in hearing you call me Grandma. Each time I can’t help but to thank God that Mommy and Daddy’s Bug, GiGi’s CoCo, Gma’s Jellybean, my Beauty, Avianna Faith, YOU are ours
I miss you so much! At moments it feels like you’re still here but then the impact of remembering you are not is like a 2 ton truck. My heart breaks all over again. I started to get angry that you left me again, a few days ago. But then this morning after I dreamed we hugged and I cried and you told me it’s alright, it’s gonna be ok, I realized I can’t be mad at you for letting go. You didnt give up, you fought as hard and as long as you could, until you couldn’t anymore. I respect tf out of you for that! I just wasn’t ready TJ. The thought of you gone brings tears to my eyes because I didn’t get to say goodbye and I couldn’t and didn’t visit you like I should have while you were here. I just couldn’t stand the nursing home nor the fact you were there instead of well and home with us. I’m sorry I’m not strong, but TJ this here hurt me more than anything I’ve ever been through. And you know I’ve been through hell and back more times than I can count. I’m trying though. I’m trying to live in a world where you’re not physically here. I feel your spirit but even that hurts. I know you were telling me you were alright but I’m selfish with you because that’s not enough. I know one day it will be but today I just want my brother back. I just want one more chance to do right by you. One more chance to care for you, argue with you, cook for you, hear your voice, hear your laugh, see you play with Dem babies. It’s just so much. I love you and I’ll be forever hurt by your death. But I thank God for your life, for making you my brother. I miss you! I love you endlessly. That’s all for now.
I never thought that I would be pursuing a relationship at this point in my life. But here I am. I have always been a hopeless romantic who believed in soulmates. I always thought there is one person out there for everyone that God made especially for them. Even now, at 48 years old, I still think each of us has a match but I also think life is short so you need to grab love whenever you can.
I am not saying go out there and sleep with every Tom, Dick, and Harry, as my mom says. Sex is not love or happiness. I am saying be happy within yourself and when you find someone that adds to that happiness go for it because it could lead to love. I used to think I needed a man to make me happy. That is a myth the majority of women, especially young women, believe. I learned the hard way that if you are not happy and content within, how can you add to someone else’s happiness. You can’t.
No relationship or person is perfect. Conflict will arise. You are constantly learning about one another so you can resolve issues and let them go instead of holding on to them or constantly bringing them up. Let issues go. Learn to forgive easily. Life is too short for grudges and silent treatments. That energy can be spent loving, living, and being in the presence of the one you love.
I believe when it comes to love, you have to pray and listen to the answers with your heart and your intuition. I am the bleeding heart type who tends to fall fast before really getting to know the person and my eagerness usually leads to heartbreak. BUT, change is bliss. I found a really great man and I had to trust myself to take this slow. I learned that if you be completely transparent from the start, the right one will stick around. You must see that person for who THEY are and not what YOU have been through. I had to do the work and take down some walls and allow him time to break down barriers of his own.
I’m not saying this relationship is perfect because none are. We all have our faults and flaws. But I believe that the key to true love and added happiness is to love past the pain; love in spite of faults and flaws, along side illness and struggles, and throughout any problems. Regardless of what happens, within the realms of forgiveness, never stop loving.
The third week of May 2021, my mom developed a dry cough. I had a cold the week before, so we figured not every cough is Covid, right? By this time I was on my second round of antibiotics as usual since I have chronic sinusitis. But as the days went on, I began to ache in my body like nothing I ever felt before. My mom’s cough worsened and my sister began to cough. My skin was sore to touch and my Mom began running a fever. My sister already had her first of the Moderna vaccine.
I told my mom we all needed to get tested because I was sure we had Covid-19. But it would be another week before we were able to get someone to take us to the doctor. On June 3, 2021, my 77 year old Mother, my sister, and I tested positive for Covid-19. Mom’s breathing was a hard pant and her oxygen saturation was only only 70% (90-100% is normal). I commend our doctors office for jumping into action, stabilizing he,r and getting her to the hospital. Being positive myself, I could not go with her and I was devastated, afraid, and completely unprepared for what was to come.
I couldn’t help but feel guilty for not forcing mom to get to the doctor sooner. Hundreds of thoughts were running through my head as tears constantly ran down my face. I cried all night and didn’t sleep at all. We were relieved the next morning as Mom made it through the night. We’ve all heard the statistics concerning the elderly and those with preexisting conditions. All we could do was pray that Mommy wouldn’t die from this awful virus.
At home, my sister and I conditions quickly worsened. If I felt like breathing was making me sicker, I couldn’t imagine what Mom was going through. The nurses did an amazing job keeping us up to date on her condition. So far she was taking the high flow oxygen well but there’s Covid pneumonia in both lungs. She was holding her own and even called us from her room on the Covid floor to try and lift our spirits! Can you believe that? I had never been so relieved to hear her voice and all I could do was cry good tears. Our joy was turned to panic as night fell and she was rushed to ICU.
On the evening of June 5, 2021, after doing well all day, Mommy took a turn for the worse. She went down fast! She began struggling so hard to breath that the doctor called me for the permission to put my mom on the on the ventilator. Without it, she would tire and go into respiratory distress on 100% high flow oxygen. He also said she was in no state of mind to make any decisions concerning her health. In my head I could hear my friend saying, whatever you do don’t let them put her on the ventilator, then I remember all my friends whose parents died from Covid. So, I made the difficult executive decision to intubate.
After Mom was stabilized on the vent, the doctor called a family meeting. The doctor met my sister and I (we got permission to come but couldn’t see her) and all the older grandkids in a conference room. Mom had been sedated and placed on the ventilator to allow her to rest and for her lungs to heal themselves. She had not responded to the antiviral medication nor any other. With the utmost respect, kindness, and tact he informed us that due to my mom’s age, weight, and preexisting conditions (a prior ongoing infection, diabetes and heart disease) she had a very low chance of recovering. He answered all of our questions and heard our concerns. When he left out the room, we knew all we could do was pray.
Leaving the hospital without seeing my Mom was the hardest, but I felt some peace knowing she could rest and didn’t have to fight so hard, at least for the night. The nurses in ICU were wonderful. She would be on the vent a few days before they’d try reducing settings to get her off. My sister and I took those days to rest and try to get well. Family and friends sent groceries, money, humidifiers, and anything they thought we needed we received. The hospital only allowed one person per day to visit outside her room through the glass for 15 minutes. My oldest sister from Colorado stood in the gap for those of us who couldn’t be there.
They had sedated mom so her lungs could heal themselves and she could regain her strength. After two days, they were still unable to wean her from the ventilator. Her O2 sats kept dropping but they were able to decrease her sedation. But God! By the end of third day, Mom was awake and strong enough to be taken off the ventilator. She tolerated the high flow oxygen so well that she eventually was put on regular oxygen. She did so well on that, the doctor turned it off and the next day she was released home. The ICU nurse referred to her as their ‘miracle patient’.
It’s crazy how life can change in the blink of an eye! And it’s miraculous how God intervenes! This was the scariest time of my life. I was almost certain that I was going to lose my mom to Covid-19. We can’t say for certain what medically turned her around, if there was something we did different or not, or what miraculously saved her life. But what I do know is we are a praying family serving a merciful God. The doctor who told us Mom had a low chance of survival, was just doing his job. Mom is here through the grace of God! As a nurse, I believe in science but I ultimately believe in God. Why people choose one over the other, I don’t know. The doctors did everything right, but God did everything period!!
So what is life after Covid-19?? It’s sitting here writing this with a view of my Mom sitting in her recliner a few feet from me. It’s testing negative and being able to see my granddaughter for the first time in almost two years! It’s so many things big and small, but the most of all it’s an appreciation for the people in my life, for family, for friends, for strangers.
Mommy- Alive and well in her recliner working a word puzzle!
I’d like to thank Dr. Bridgette Smith, M.D., of Crimson Urgent Care of West Alabama under Dr. Ramesh Paremsetti and staff for stabilizing my Mom at the office.
We’d like to thank the Covid nursing staff of 5 South and Dr. Henna, M.D., and the ICU staff for doing an amazing job caring for my Mom and us, her family! Thank you so much!!
My Poetic Life (the book) 