You know I think it’s just in my makeup to know when God is working in my life. I can bet 1000 that the devil will show up in the midst of my blessings every time. And then I lose it!! Isn’t that something? Evil will have to work extra hard, but nine times out of ten, I’ll fall right into a trap. One good thing that I’ve noticed as I get older is that my bounce back is quicker and bigger than ever. I have gotten to where I can feel God’s anointing on me. And likewise, I can feel when I lose it due to my reaction to situations. I’m not sure everyone knows what I’m talking about, but for those who don’t, it’s like having a well-paying job, but you let somebody elses messiness get you demoted or fired. You end up having to start over from scratch. Well, that’s how God’s anointing works in my life. I get fired more times than I’m willing to admit, but God still has faith in me that I will achieve His work regardless of my shortcomings. Isn’t that amazing!!??
Life doesn’t always deal us the hand we originally thought we had. I know when I was younger, there was nothing I could not do. I thought I was going to work my way up the “medical ladder” from LPN to Nurse Practitioner. I was going to be married for 60 years and have a house full of children and grandchildren. Those were my goals. But God changed my hand. I ended up sick after almost four years as an LPN and divorced after nine years of marriage which produced two beautiful children. Afterward, I spent too many years asking why instead of adapting to the changes. I was so angry about getting sick that all I saw was what I had lost including my marriage and career along with myself, my dignity, integrity, and hope. I was so focused on being mad at God and at my ex-husband that I couldn’t see all I gained. I overlooked my freedom from heartache, a second chance at life, and most of all, myself. All these things, had I seen them, would have outweighed my losses. Instead, I held on to the fear and hopelessness that cradled my sadness and depression. I would receive so much therapy in the years to come, that soon there was nothing doctors could tell me that I didn’t already know. It would be over a decade before I found my peace again.
Talk about a waste of time from a mis-dealt hand. I’m going to let y’all in on a big secret, people come into your life for a purpose. At one time, earlier this year, I stepped out on faith and took a chance on love again. I soon found myself defending being over the pain of my past. I worked too hard over the last ten years focusing on myself, outgrowing old habits, letting go of my past, and becoming Valerie again to be told that lie. I think my strong will and unwillingness to be thrown back into that hole that I had already fought and scrapped to escape wasn’t appreciated. But uh, no sir i refuse to allow anyone to belittle my fight. Not today. I would rather let go of someone than to hold on to see if he would stop or change. Been there, done that, bought a t-shirt. Next, please. Writing is my therapy. So this poem was born:
Lesson or a Blessing
Seems like I’ve waited a lifetime for you,
I even thought I asked God for it too
But even He had a sense of humor, tricking me to think you were my sender
When in reality I was suppose to learn you just don’t surrender
From you, I was to learn I really have grown
Beyond the mistakes of yesteryear and the hurt enthroned
See I knew I felt that damage was no longer there
And it took you trying to convince it was that made it clear
People are put in your life for a reason, not of their own
You, sir were there to prove to me something I’ve always know
I’m mature, I’m sexy, I’m brilliant, I belong
I’m His, I’m mine, I’m worked on, I’m strong
I’m not scared, timid, I’m not gullible or sad
I’m not that proverbial black woman bitter and mad
I’m not empty, worthless with nothing else to give
You see that one man did steal from me
But I fought to live
I climbed and I scrapped to rebuild my life
And I’ll be damned if I let you make light of my plight
What a woman has to do, you’ll never understand
She’ll become a better person but you’ll still be just a man~ (repost)
Life did throw me a curve ball but after I wrote that poem, I realized to be my partner was not his purpose in my life. His purpose was to show me my strength and to make me realize that I had so much more to offer than I was willing to give him. Plus, I was not utilizing my God-given talents. I remember his words that helped change my perspective. He said, Val when we were in school you had a sparkle in your eyes. He went on to say that my daughter has that same sparkle but I don’t anymore. That hit hard because I recognized that myself years ago. So in the months since we stopped speaking I have strived to get that sparkle back! Not for him or anyone else, but for Valerie. I must admit its back and I couldn’t be happier right now.
This year just goes to show how God can turn your life around. I can’t believe I contemplated suicide in January and by December God turned things around and now I’m completing the first of two books. I’ve been writing my poetry for this book most of my adult life. I’ve been writing my book about fibromyalgia since 2008. I’m a major procrastinator in case it didn’t show. But if you’ve followed my blog (Aug. 4, 2018), you’ll see that I’m working on finishing things I’ve started. I’ve worked hard this year, through every hardship, to stay true to myself and my crafts. This makes me remember when my son was failing his art class. He thought it was boring. I told him about how I saw art. It’s not really about the boringness of the process, but it’s looking forward to the outcome that makes the art projects enjoyable. Needless to say, he got an A in art class that semester.
See, sometimes it’s not so much what you see, but how you look at it. Your perspective about life determines how you see it. For years my perspective was narrowed through the eyes of heartache and pain. As soon as I was able to free myself of that depressing perspective, I was able to see the joy in life. When I looked in the mirror the other day, I had to stop and look twice. I almost didn’t recognize myself. The light behind my eyes was shut out for so long that when I saw it for the first time in my reflection, I had to pause and I actually heard myself say, “Wow”. In fact, the joy I feel now and how I choose to be happy instead of allowing my happiness to hinge on what others do or say makes all the difference. It doesn’t hurt that my baby Zy is back in my life. Happy 6th birthday to her and her twin brother Xavier.
Oh, I’m still going through. That’s just life, but I talk to God about it and put things in His capable hands. Plus, I have a great support system. Therefore, I like to summarize this blog post by saying I hope that my readers see through my experiences that things will not always be bleak or miserable. It may take some time, but don’t give up. Instead, try to change your perspective or the way you see your life, those in it and the world around you. Love you first and foremost before any other man, woman or child (your children are an extension of you). Be dedicated to building your own happiness. Take it back out of the hands of your spouse, your friends, your partner, your job, or your family. Own it. It’s yours. Start saying no. That was hard for me. But as I advise you to do, I had to stop being there for those who were never there for me. Take back your sanity, hope, and peace. Those are gifts that you deserve and should never give away. We tend as human beings to want to give our all to someone. I’m not saying be selfish, but save your all for you. Give of yourself without losing yourself. People want advice but don’t always take it.
I hope someone needs to hear this because I write what comes from my heart. I never think of a topic then write a blog. I just start typing. So don’t give so much that you end up empty and lonely. I don’t want anyone to have to go through my past journey; to walk in my old shoes. If I can say something to touch one person’s heart and detour their path from the loneliest of roads it would be to take a look in the mirror. If your reflection doesn’t wow you, you’re most likely on the wrong path. Reevaluate your perspective. Redefine how you see yourself. I promise you your bounce back will be epic❤.